Table for One

It comes every year and for me, every year it's always the same. February is not supposed to be cold but it feels colder than December.

Simply walking along the campus or mall or office, I unintentionally gravitate towards couples that are just a tad too close to each other. I think that if they got any closer they'd never separate; but all I can do is just breathe a sigh as I realize that I’m walking alone – and what I wouldn’t give for someone I can share that same experience with. Not having anyone, not even to walk with, when Valentine’s Day is only few days away heightens that feeling of loneliness. The depression sets in. there will always be couples that will unintentionally rub it in, that I’m alone. That what makes them so happy is what makes me so, so sad. Their happiness slowly eats me and I end up wishing they’d stop whatever innocent thing they’re doing so I can get on with my life. It’s depressing to think about what I don’t have and even more depressing to know that others have it, but not me.

I get to thinking about what I had before. Loves lost; memories of past lovers visit my daydreams and I remember how light the feeling was and how pretty mundane everything else seems now. Everything was easier or if not lighter, at least easier to bear. There will always be laugh to be shared and the security of knowing that someone else cares as much as I do. But all that is gone and they don’t seem to want to come back. That feeling of security has escaped me. And the worst thing about it is that I’ve already gotten used to it so every now and then I long for that which I have lost. Now all that’s left are memories and wishful thinking. Thoughts about whose fault it was and who broke up with whom are buried in the longing for the old feeling to come back, the feeling of having someone to love and somebody to love me in return.

Then come thoughts about what could have been; some unrequited love from that person whom I have been patiently waiting for. That, whom I’d give everything for but don’t seem to want to take it. They may complain about their current love that everyone knows they would be better without. All they get from him are heartaches and disappointments and I’m there patiently waiting. I’m waiting for a glimmer of hope that realization may turn out in my favor in the end. Just waiting for the chance that they’d have a realization that they could do better and that I’d make them happier. But that has always been the case since last February and it has never changed. That day never comes and they haven’t wised up nor have me, patiently but illogically waiting for something that will never come.

I then think of what brought me to this loveless situation in the first place. I’d think that it might be that I’m not attractive. Nut beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all those quotes argue that there must be someone who at least finds me decent-looking. I probably haven’t gotten around to meeting people because I’m too focused on school and my training and do not have time for love. But it is ironic that the reason I want to study and work hard is the same reason – to have a bright future – is the reason my present is not happier. It may be that it’s not a priority at this point. But shouldn’t love give way, at least in part, to everything else? Bitter must be the exact word to describe the whole thing and it may very well be the reason I’m alone. But I ask myself; can anyone blame me for my bitterness, when I’ve been waiting and waiting… and waiting for something that doesn’t seem to want to come?

It’s another year and another reminder that out of all the 365 days, Valentine’s Day vies to be the loneliest. There are cupids and heart-shaped cutouts plastered on stores’ windows, seemingly shouting out that it’s not the right time to be alone and yet I am. Couples seem to be strolling about merrier than they had been a week ago – actually, there didn’t seem to be as many couples a week ago. And now they have all gone out of their way just to taunt me. One look at a couple dining at a restaurant and I say to myself, “How’s she get to be so lucky to have someone love her that much?” or “What does she have that she has someone to share everything with and I don’t?” but no answers come and all I can do is go back to my dinner. Back to my meal in my table for one.

I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had. ~From the television show The Wonder Years

Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens - The Main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away. ~John Steinbeck, 10 N